okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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