Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
