I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
