Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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