Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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