The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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