I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
