i will never coherently bang her
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
