If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
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Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
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Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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