she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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