i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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