is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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