I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Best friends brother. Beat that.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
