I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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