My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize