Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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