Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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