Kiss
Puke
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
