I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
