I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
