im about as happy as oj after his trial
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
