So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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