I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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