I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
