I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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