Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
