why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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