i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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