He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
