his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
