Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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