On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
