I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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