Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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