Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
