my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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