I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
