we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
