I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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