my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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