You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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