Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
