I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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