Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
