I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I love you.
Bad choice
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
