I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
