it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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