I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?