Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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