We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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