last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
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lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
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fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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