i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.