he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.