I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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