I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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