i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
