ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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