All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
