Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
