And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
